Giving up Slowly

It's like a battle I'm waging against myself.

Between not being able to work out properly, diet fluctuations, and lack of motivation it's all just starting to seem hopeless. I want to be thin! I don't want to be stared at while at a restaurant while I'm eating. I don't want to walk into a shopping mall and have to look for the bigger women's stores as a college student. It's sad and I'm starting to just want to toss it in the trash because statistics for an overweight girl trying to loose weight and keep it off for 5 years is slim. Toss in hypothyroidism? Make  those chances slimmer. Giving up sounds perfect right about now.

Back on the journey

Well, took me a while to get back on this. I don't even want to count the stray months between my initial decision and now. I've lost the gained 15 pounds hopefully, if not its getting there. For the first time in a year I believe I'll start a regular weigh in schedule.
I stopped initially because, well as a kid with weight problems you'd wake up each morning praying that just some of the weight had disappeared just to find nothing had changed or you had somehow gained weight.
So, some new changes are coming and with them hopefully a bright and healthy future. With my weekly weigh in will come a weekly blog, unless something along the way inspires me to write to you.

Day ???: Giving up slowly

           I have never been one to try and phish for compliments or have that annoying desire to have people praise me. However, quite frankly right now I have never felt as unflattering or ugly as I do at this very moment. Every aspect of myself, and the journey of this weight loss not only terrifies me but it seems that much more like a dream than a reality. The chances of me keeping this off for five years are EXTREMELY slim. That scares the living holy shit out of me. What if in the off chances I loose the weight and become happy that a year later I'll just gain it all back?
      People weren't lying when they say loosing weight is a constant struggle. I have never felt so lazy in my life due to I have barely gone to the gym and am starting to find no motivation. Excuses are just that, excuses. Life doesn't "Just happen" to the point where its too busy to find 30 minutes to go and take a walk or dance around the house for 20 minutes. No, we always find the easy way to do things. Myself included.
      Every girl's desire whether straight, gay, black, white or latino is to be alluring or pretty. We want to feel like either a princess, a vixen or a classic beauty. However, the standards for not only women but beauty in and amongst itself are causing this girl to loose all hope. Which quite frankly scares me. The problem might be that I kind of gave up on the blog a little bit due to I wasn't really seeing readers, call me narcissistic but I believed I'd draw in more people. Starting off is always rough. I don't believe in giving up, at least not this easy. I'll try and each week to post one, instead of one per day like originally planned. Each thursday plan to see something from this fat goddess. But in the meantime I'm going to sit here curled up with my pizza and write.

Happy Travels and the such

-Emi <3

Day 5: swim suit season...

Am I the only one that feels like a pale beached whale when you wear a bathing suit? Well i tossed that pale word in there, because I get very little sun and show very little skin daily. So, a bathing suit is a complete 180 for me.
Being even around family, nerves me out in swimming attire. Yes, i may be odd, but on top of all this my suit is one of the stereotypical plus size assumptions that all big women have huge boobs. News flash, my boobs aren't F cup sizes.
I know, I'm sorry for the disappointment.
So, not only is it virtually impossible for me to fond a correctly fitting suit, but buying a new one costs way more than what a college student has off hand.
My advice to myself and to all plus size women out there? Keep multiple options for suits. One with a skirt or one with shorts. But try dozens on. Bypass the nervousness of being in one by finding one that makes YOU feel fabulous!

Happy memorial day weekend!

Day 4: goddess went down south...

Today Im keeping honest with my new schedule and taking the weekend as a break from exercise. Well, that was the plan anyways....
Between getting called into work at 8 am, sweating as if Im in a sauna and walking a little around town for a wee bit, this fat goddess is exhausted. I sweat through 2 shirts, and i think in total it could be wrung out to weigh the same as a small child.
While all this sweating and walking was happening, usually Id complain. Maybe its the two red bull's i had today, but it was actually a little motivating. It encouraged me more to get in shape and not HAVE to wear T-shirts but be able to wear sexy summer tops that I don't have to special order for my size.
More adventures tomorrow, readers. The Swimsuit goes on tomorrow...and that will be a new adventure in and among itself.

Day 3: Nose to the Grindstone

Today I got up and knew there was a test ahead of me. 3 hours of sleep and things to do all day. The easy thing to do would be go home and nap, and pretend I'm in margaritaville or something on a beach. Real life however has my schedule packed today so, i can't. Signing up and paying for my gym membership, and working out then going to a meeting at work. Thats what life has for me.
While at the gym today, i felt out of place amongst the posh nike clad club members, but Buddy and I tested out some of the equipment none the less.
Between the treadmill to warm up and the stationary bike, i felt honestly like i didn't push myself hard enough. Tomorrow and Sunday are my days off from the Gym, and Ill have to put my nose back on the grindstone, monday evening.
Goodnight , and sweet dreams!

Day 2: Taking Care of Buisness

       Between class and work, college life can really suck sometimes. Staying up until 2 am working on homework, then getting up by 8 for class is the norm. Might sound cliche but its all true. So finding time to workout and generally live life is whats going to prove most challenging about this journey. Im not chickening out already, no, but I'm definitely seeing some of my first hurdles.
      Some of my past hurdles have been the scheduling. Between work and school and trying to obtain a semi-normal social life, a 24 hour gym is necessary.  I'm a night owl, even went to summer camp where i was up all night and slept durring the day. So, I'd rather go run on a treadmill at 3 am rather than noon. My other hurdles have been, staying interested and also the self consciousness that comes with a big person joining a gym. It used to feel like whenever I'd walk into a gym of any sort, all machines would stop, and every head would turn to me as if every person had a fatty radar and i had just sent it screeching. I know thats an extreme dramatization of how a gym actually is, but to me it a strange foreign land, like Narnia. So, today this daughter of Eve walked into a Narnia, and was pleasantly surprised that the fauns and minotaurs didn't attack, but seemed to walk by as if it was not just okay for me to be there, but good that I was there.
      The gym has two floors, two pools, water slides, and areas not just for fitness but a spa and a lot of things that I wouldn't have imagined. Also, when i start working out they're going to evaluate me, body fat percentage, and overall health and measurements. This is to show me where I'm starting and hopefully give me a footboard to bounce off of to start on my way. Although, the prices were higher than I had originally planned, but for $70 a month i get all of those at my fingertips for 24 hours a day. Im determined to start this Jedi journey to my new figure. To the figure I'd have if this wretched thing that is a Thyroid had never malfunctioned.
      So, between the tour of the place and the drive back to school, I felt like the first step had been taken. I'm going to post up a page about my work out schedule and what my daily limitations are, but this Goddess is officially on her way!

Day 1: How it all started....

         When you're 7 years old, and the doctors are scrambling to find out why you gain 12 pounds a week when you're in Ballet, Horseback Riding, and basketball, you start to feel like theres something wrong with you.  Well, that girl sitting in the doctors office, waiting, was me. I come from a family of not only heavy german decent, but both sides of my family tend to be bigger people. So, as a doctor you see a big mom with a very chubby child and think "Fat mom, Fat kid." end of discussion.
         However, In my case, it wasn't. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism when i was 7 years old. Its not uncommon for younger generations, it usually effects middle aged to older women. So, by the time i was about 8 or 9 I was on my thyroid pills and still in heavy amounts of activities, and I still couldn't loose  the weight. At school, kids would pick on me for my size and I'd say "Its not my fault! Its my thyroid!" and after years of them berating me for using it as an excuse and not believing me, you start to get into that  'Fat' mentality. The mentality of only seeing the negative, how bad you look, how it'll never change, and how you'll never get married or have kids because no one could love a fat girl. Thats how i grew up, no matter how much people said "Oh but you're so pretty!" I had it ingrained into my head from media and from family members that pretty meant being skinny.
       The only outlet i had as a kid was when i drew. I could draw pretty people and imagine what i wanted to look like. Tiny waist, big hips, big boobs; the ideal woman. With that as an outlet and branching out, drawing more and more, i found myself for those moments when I was drawing, distracted from my weight and the stigma everyone had placed on my forehead.

 "Fat"

      To this day I still hate that word. It was the word that haunts so many plus size people, we got teased in elementary school, bullied with that word in high school, and sometimes that bleeds over into college as well. Well, once in high school I tried to find out and accept that I was fat and I was just going to deal with it. But, that mentality never works, it always follows by some new fad diet where you practically starve yourself and turn around and drown it all down with water. At the end of the night, all i wanted was a piece of chocolate cake and a big bowl of ice cream. Why? Because now something was telling me i couldn't have it! So, once that phase ended i usually walked away from it 10 pounds heavier, still looking for the easy way out and looking for some diet to do the work for me as I sat back and let the starvation and water do the rest.  Now, I know that theres no easy way out of loosing weight. Its a daily  struggle, its an addiction to being lazy. Why go walk when i can sit right here and watch TV and enjoy my day? Thats how i thought for years. Now I'm in college and looking around at life before i turn 20 and going "Whoah, this is not what i had planned." Because, I imagined being 20 and seeing myself as a knockout. Today, I dont see myself like that, I see myself as, well, just a Fat Goddess.
       Yes, Im fat. But I am pretty is what I've realized since leaving high school, in my own way. But that realization doesn't stop me from wanting to see not only what I'd look like if I had never gotten Hypothyroidism, but to know that I dropped the weight.
      So, this is the story of how this fat goddess tries to drop over 150 pounds, and get down to the weight she's dreamt of weighing since she was a little girl. And its only just begun.....