When you're 7 years old, and the doctors are scrambling to find out why you gain 12 pounds a week when you're in Ballet, Horseback Riding, and basketball, you start to feel like theres something wrong with you. Well, that girl sitting in the doctors office, waiting, was me. I come from a family of not only heavy german decent, but both sides of my family tend to be bigger people. So, as a doctor you see a big mom with a very chubby child and think "Fat mom, Fat kid." end of discussion.
However, In my case, it wasn't. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism when i was 7 years old. Its not uncommon for younger generations, it usually effects middle aged to older women. So, by the time i was about 8 or 9 I was on my thyroid pills and still in heavy amounts of activities, and I still couldn't loose the weight. At school, kids would pick on me for my size and I'd say "Its not my fault! Its my thyroid!" and after years of them berating me for using it as an excuse and not believing me, you start to get into that 'Fat' mentality. The mentality of only seeing the negative, how bad you look, how it'll never change, and how you'll never get married or have kids because no one could love a fat girl. Thats how i grew up, no matter how much people said "Oh but you're so pretty!" I had it ingrained into my head from media and from family members that pretty meant being skinny.
The only outlet i had as a kid was when i drew. I could draw pretty people and imagine what i wanted to look like. Tiny waist, big hips, big boobs; the ideal woman. With that as an outlet and branching out, drawing more and more, i found myself for those moments when I was drawing, distracted from my weight and the stigma everyone had placed on my forehead.
"Fat"
To this day I still hate that word. It was the word that haunts so many plus size people, we got teased in elementary school, bullied with that word in high school, and sometimes that bleeds over into college as well. Well, once in high school I tried to find out and accept that I was fat and I was just going to deal with it. But, that mentality never works, it always follows by some new fad diet where you practically starve yourself and turn around and drown it all down with water. At the end of the night, all i wanted was a piece of chocolate cake and a big bowl of ice cream. Why? Because now something was telling me i couldn't have it! So, once that phase ended i usually walked away from it 10 pounds heavier, still looking for the easy way out and looking for some diet to do the work for me as I sat back and let the starvation and water do the rest. Now, I know that theres no easy way out of loosing weight. Its a daily struggle, its an addiction to being lazy. Why go walk when i can sit right here and watch TV and enjoy my day? Thats how i thought for years. Now I'm in college and looking around at life before i turn 20 and going "Whoah, this is not what i had planned." Because, I imagined being 20 and seeing myself as a knockout. Today, I dont see myself like that, I see myself as, well, just a Fat Goddess.
Yes, Im fat. But I am pretty is what I've realized since leaving high school, in my own way. But that realization doesn't stop me from wanting to see not only what I'd look like if I had never gotten Hypothyroidism, but to know that I dropped the weight.
So, this is the story of how this fat goddess tries to drop over 150 pounds, and get down to the weight she's dreamt of weighing since she was a little girl. And its only just begun.....
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